Before Owen, one book
When Elizabeth was expecting our first, Owen, who is four now, we both read Bringing Up Bébé, Pamela Druckerman’s book about an American mother raising her children in Paris.
Reading it, both of us, was a great way to understand the differences between how I grew up and how she grew up, and to accept them. Then Owen arrived, and the book became our real life.
The day I noticed
It was the bags. At the park and on playdates, I watched American parents arrive with everything: a snack for every hour, a bag of toys, backup for the backup. I had a small bag, a clementine and some water. No toys from home either. We played with whatever was around us. Elizabeth is very good at this too. That is when I understood I was parenting the French way without ever deciding to.
One menu, one table
At our house there is one menu for everyone. There is no kids’ dinner and grown-ups’ dinner, and we sit down and eat together. Snacking outside the goûter is limited.
I have also let some things go. Sometimes they just will not eat something too sophisticated, and that is OK, as long as they try. My grandmother taught me that: we always try. And we do not say “it’s not good.” We say “it’s not for me” or “it’s not my taste.”
The goûter
We do the goûter partly because it is good for them, and partly because it brings me back to France. It is one proper snack in the afternoon, at the table. What I don’t get is snacking all day: an open bar of snacks, and then nobody eats at dinner.
For their quatre-heures, I would bring bread and a bar of Milka and make them a chocolate sandwich, the way French kids have it after school.
“Thank you who?”
This is the one I hold the line on. We always say bonjour. When one of the boys says “thank you,” I answer, “Thank you who?” Then he says, “Thank you, Daddy” or “Thank you, Papa.” It works the same for bonjour, and for “yes”: “Yes what?” “Yes please, Papa.”
My father did exactly this with me. You acknowledge the person by name. I catch myself doing it now without thinking.
This or that
Do You Parent French or American?
Snacks on demand or four o’clock sharp? The car line or walking alone? Eight this-or-that questions.
Take the quizHer patience, my rough play
Elizabeth is the patient one. I truly appreciate her patience as a mother, and her gentle parenting. She is very good at it, and the boys need it.
I can be more severe. I am the one who asks “thank you who?” every time. But I also know how to be rough with them, and to play rough. Between her patience and my rough play, the boys get a little of each of us.
Franco-American, on purpose
Elizabeth and I do not parent the same way, because we did not grow up the same way. Bringing Up Bébé helped us see that before Owen was even born. But the longer we do this, the more we find a blended way, a Franco-American one. We try to take the best of each culture and keep things balanced.
If an American dad asked me for one thing to steal
The goûter. One real snack at four o’clock, then nothing until dinner, and dinner gets eaten.
Questions, answered
What is a goûter?
The French afternoon snack, around four o’clock, eaten at the table. In our house it is the one snack of the afternoon, and then nothing until dinner.
Do you cook a separate dinner for the kids?
No. We do one menu for everyone and sit down together. If they don’t love something, that is OK, as long as they try it.
What does “thank you who?” mean?
When one of the boys says thank you, I ask “thank you who?” and he answers “thank you, Papa.” My father did the same with me: you name the person you are thanking.
Did you read Bringing Up Bébé?
Yes. We both read it while Elizabeth was expecting Owen, our first. It was a great way to understand the differences between how I grew up and how she grew up, and to accept them.
Who is the stricter parent?
I can be more severe. Elizabeth is the patient one, with a gentle way of parenting, and the boys need it. I also know how to play rough with them.
Still wondering?
Ask my French husband.
A short ruling in a few seconds. Written by AI from our Journal, in his voice.
For his verdicts on American snack culture, delivered with unreasonable seriousness, we're on Instagram — and Le Bulletin gets field notes like this one.
Before you go
Could You Survive a French Dinner Party?
I failed my first French dinner party. See if you would do better.
